How (Not) to Throw a Holiday Party
Plus, some of my favorite things of 2023 and a ton of martini talk!
It should come as no surprise to you that I have spent the last two weeks making myself sick. Not like “storing large quantities of mercury in my closet” or “watching Emily in Paris” sick. The kind of sick where you enjoy yourself more than usual and your body starts asking pertinent questions about your sanity. It’s the holidays, after all. It’s a time to splurge, to imbibe, to gorge, and to sleep more than necessary. The festive season is not for obsessive exercise, moderation, or trips to Erewhon to stock up on fermented daikon. Get those In n’ Out fries Animal Style, my good friends.
I think this is why so many people leave Los Angeles during the holidays. They don’t want their social circle/professional competition clocking their reckless abandon. Los Angeles has a reputation, which I have certainly reinforced in my role as a cultural critic at the LA Times, as a social free zone where everyone can be their own unique selves. It is, but only if you’re hot! You gotta be hot, then you can be free. Also, try being rich. That helps with the freedom part. And the hot part.
For those of us who are not hot, all the regular rules apply. Which is why I love the holidays. It affords me the opportunity to do nearly all of the things that make me feel guilty the rest of the year. Dorothy and I threw an extravagant, exclusive, indulgent tree trimming party last weekend. It was very exclusive, in that we only invited people we know. That’s my first piece of advice for throwing a holiday party: Only invite people you know! It’s too big of a risk otherwise. What if your guests are boring? Don’t do it.
Throwing our exclusive event was a large-scale undertaking that involved a two-day roast beef adventure, hunting for the cheapest passable wine possible (for the guests, not for me…), and many martinis.
The most important part of a traditional holiday party is the cocktail offerings. As I mentioned earlier, I went cheap on the wine. I don’t want to drink it, and no one else did either. Why? Because I decided early on in the planning phase of the event to make martinis all night, which was a huge hit. The martini is the perfect holiday drink because it’s easy to make — it’s only two ingredients, plus garnish — but it also requires constant assembly. As a host, part of your mission statement is to cater to your guests — to at least seem like you’re always doing something to make their evening more enjoyable. I am a tortured, clumsy cook. I don’t bake, because I don’t want to get flour all over my nice clothes. I’m a conversation hog that spends too much time pontificating, so I can only hold court so long before I need to give my guests space. Making drinks is the perfect way to maintain a sense of hospitality with the least amount of skill needed.
If you add martinis to your holiday spread, there are two ways to do it: my way and the dumb way. Do it my way! Which is this:
Get yourself a bottle of mid-tier gin. There’s no reason to get Monkey 47 or something that is pushing 70 bucks. That said, you can’t cheap out like I did on the wine. Some solid choices: Song Cai Vietnamese Gin, Condesa Mexican Gin, Coit Spirits California Gin, Citadelle French Gin.
Remember, this is not a “cocktail” that the average weekend warrior or happy hour dilettante purchases on a lark. I must reiterate: the martini is two ingredients. It’s just gin (or vodka, if you have no discernible taste buds) and vermouth. Your gin should taste good, without having so many botanicals that it’s like drinking Acqua di Gio. A mid-tier, 30 or 40 dollar bottle of gin will do the trick. Be prepared to answer some questions about the gin you choose. Small talk is every bartender’s friend, but especially for the home connoisseur. Where is your gin from? What are the botanicals? Do you have a fun personal story to impart about your relationship to the spirit?
A good example of this is my gin of choice, Occitan. It’s Italian, with hints of cardamom, orange, and lemon. They stock it at Capri Club and Dorothy and I had it on our third date. You can share your version of this as you do the sacred work of assembling drinks.
And I do believe you should assemble each individually. There are those that would advocate for the batch martini. “It saves time,” they say. Who wants to save time during a holiday party? Hardly the point, is it? Make your drinks to order. Give your guests a chance to customize their cocktail. Do they prefer more vermouth or less? God forbid they want vodka, but even if they do, it’s your job as host to oblige. Your personal preferences are immaterial when serving. Plus, the personal touch can be quite charming. This is not a Taco Bell, after all. Speed is not of the essence. “Care” and “attention” are the watchwords here.
Of course, I have my own preferences on how I like my martini. Just a rinse of dry vermouth in the glass, tossed in the sink (or back in the bottle if you are a thrifty sort). Vermouth is essentially wine, so the more you add, the more disturbed the gin becomes. I like the way gin tastes and I don’t need a bunch of other flavors spoiling the experience. A splash is all you need. Dolin is my vermouth of choice, but there are many out there. Lastly, I take a twist of lemon, because the citrus usually pairs well with the botanicals in the average bottle of gin. Though, I had a bottle of Hayman’s Gin recently that was almost too flavor-forward and needed a olive and some brine to dull the intense sweetness. I cannot in good conscience recommend Hayman’s to you. Might as well drop a Starburst into your glass.
Speaking of glasses, your equipment is just as important as what you put into it. I like a Nick & Nora glass (named for the heroes of one of my favorite movies of all time, The Thin Man) because it tends to spill less than a traditional wide-mouth martini glass. Coup glasses give you a solid area for gripping and swishing your drink, but I prefer to use those for champagne.
I brought my travel kit to the party, which was at Dorothy’s house. I love the idea of having my own gear no matter where I go. It ensures I always have what I need, no matter what drinks I’m making. I have this one, which you can get on Amazon. But I saw this one on Etsy, which I think is quite chic, simple, and more affordable. You want a stirrer and a strainer, in case someone asks for a stir instead of a shake. I take a shake, because I like the ice shards that come with the process, but some people think the shaking bruises the gin. I don’t feel there’s an appreciable difference, but again, you are there to serve, not to quibble. Also, if you have enough lead time, chill your glasses. A frosty glass adds so much to the taste and the presentation.
My last piece of advice: be graceful. Martinis are a drink of sophistication and class (at least until you have your third of the night) and should be served and enjoyed with that in mind. Martinis are the grandest lubricant of our society. Try to find a modicum of elegance for the night. Your guests will notice.
My Favorite Things of 2023
Simply put, here are the movies, music, clothes, and life experiences I loved this past year.
“World of Hassle” by Neon Indian
Adidas Originals x Wales Bonner SL72
The “Beo” Blazer from The Frankie Shop
Shohei Ohtani signing with the Dodgers
Star Trek Picard: Season 3 (especially the last episode)
The George Sowden Homegoods Collection for Hay
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