I want this newsletter to be of service, a beacon of light in a world shrouded in darkness. This is the newsletter that will change your life, whether you like it or not!
In order to do that, I’ve enlisted the help of YOU. Yes, you. Did you know you were my faithful assistant, offering me queries and concerns about your personal style? Well, you are. You’ve been drafted into the War on Bad Fits. Grab a rifle, soldier. We’re going jabroni hunting.
I’m taking reader questions over in the Chat section of Substack, and I would love to hear from each and every one of you at some point.
Not sure what to wear to a beach wedding? Wondering if you can pair black shoes with a blue suit? Curious about how much I bench press? You can find out if you ask a question in the chat. You can also leave a question in the comments down here, but that chat is quite elegant and user-friendly.
This week, I’m fielding a Q from subscriber Spenser Lee Koch-Vogel. He asks: “what are your favorite pants? Thanks.”
First of all, thanks for saying thanks. Gratitude is the gateway to long-lasting success in business and in life. Also, it’s a great way to get me to answer your question!
I don’t think I have a harder time buying clothes than I do when I go looking for pants. Here’s the thing: I’m 6’2” and around a size 36 or 38 waist. Shouldn’t be a problem, right?
Wrong. It’s so wrong! Folks, if you don’t know me personally, you are probably unaware of my absolutely fat, juicy ass. My ass is huge. I look like Verne Troyer (RIP to the GOAT) snuck into my trousers and made a home in my caboose. I’m dragging a straight up dumper, which means even a 38 doesn’t afford me enough room in the seat to zip up comfortably.
So, in a lot of cases, I have to size up. Most chain clothing stores carry up to a 38. It gets trickier around 40 to 42. Then, you might be stuck in the dreaded “big & tall” category, which is unfortunately a segment of the menswear industry designed for ex-NFL offensive linemen and construction workers with a court date.
Now, I want to be clear that I’m not shading bigger guys. I’m absolutely one of you, but what I’m trying to say is that the clothes made for us suck and you should avoid buying them if you can.
Big & tall clothes are usually cheaply made, but worse yet, they attempt to approximate the cut and fit of clothes for smaller men with absolutely no swag. A great example of this is DXL, a big & tall company that caters exclusively to white dudes who have made barbecuing their primary personality trait and DJ Khaled.
As an aside, did you see Khaled walking the runway for Hugo Boss? Presumably, these clothes were cut to fit him? Maybe they weren’t, because the jacket looks like it’s going to burst and they had him not tuck in his shirt, which means he has no waist. They made him look like any bigger guy who doesn’t know where to find nice clothes that are flattering. This is appalling.
Unlike Khaled, I don’t have the resources to get a major fashion brand to make me look shitty in public. I have to do that on my own.
I struggled with pants for years. When all pants were razor sharp, tight skinny jeans, I wore extra layers on top to cover up my protruding ass. Pants would have to sit underneath my waist in order to not accentuate the Mini-Me I was hiding in the back.
Today, things have loosened up, quite literally. The return of pleats to acceptable fashion changed my life, giving me that space I need to move freely. As an adult, I now have the resources to go to a tailor and have the seat taken out in my pants. If you look at the interior seat of most pants, you’ll see a strip of extra fabric running from the crotch through the bumcrack. Go to a dry cleaner that does alterations or a local tailor and they’ll expand the seat with that extra fabric. I bought a pair of Tom Ford pants that my tailor did some sorcery on.
Also, we are blessed to see the acceptance of elastic waistband trousers in our lifetime. Even without taking the seat out, the elastic affords me the extra give required to fit my massive posterior. I have a pair of mustardy Marni trousers that would have been impossible to wear without the elastic.
My favorite investment pants come from the New York tailoring geniuses at Stoffa. I dropped serious coin a couple years ago on a gray, peached cotton double-breasted suit. It’s the most comfortable suit I own, and can be dressed up or down depending on the situation.
Stoffa does bespoke if you have the means (and can get to their showroom), but they also allow for customization of your pants hem before you buy. They make everything as it’s ordered, which pushes back your delivery a few months, but what you eventually receive is either perfect or in need of light alterations. Most of their pants either come with a self-belt or drawstring, which is perfect for my absolute Godzilla ass.
I adore Issey Miyake, as you can tell from the photo that accompanied this newsletter. Their pleated pants are comfortable, breathable, and eye-catching. They come in all manner of weird cuts, like these cropped, borderline capri pants.
Finally, if you aren’t ballin’ quite yet, I stand by Uniqlo. It’s the least awful of the fast fashion chains and they have nailed their pants situation. I’ve purchased every color of their pleated wide pants that I can get my hands on. The best part of these pants is there’s stretching “both vertically and horizontally” according to the website. I need stretching wherever you can offer it, so danke to our pals at Uniqlo.
They’re high-waisted, too, which means I can wear them up on my body and it genuinely slims my silhouette. I look taller and thinner in these joints, which is all I want from a pair of trousers. And they’re only $50. That price point has allowed me to buy them in every color but khaki (which is currently sold out).
If you want your question answered, hit up the chat. Next week, I’ll be back talking about one of my all-time favorite topics: TUXEDOS.
Be a man 4 sure